he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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