HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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