didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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