She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
