its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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