how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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