Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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