I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
