Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize