you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
