Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
