Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
