I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
