saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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