I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm bleeding and have questions
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
