I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize