Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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