Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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