he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
