I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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