you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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