Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
