holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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