I just pynch a tree in the face
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
