Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
