i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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