The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
