I faked an abortion last night.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
