Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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