Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
