You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
They took my balls.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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