i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
