Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
