I could have mohawked her pubes.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
