sarcasm needs its own font
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
