You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
