im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize