The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
