I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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