haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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