she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize