I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
