Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
