so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
