Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
