I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
