It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
