The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
