Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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