Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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