im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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