I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
no. you can't hotbox the world.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
