I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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