Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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