Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
