So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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