I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
