Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
