i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
