Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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