Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
