Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
